All Different and All Beautiful

“How good and pleasant it is when brothers live together in unity!” – Psalm 133: 1

Have you ever noticed that when people don’t understand something or appreciate something they have a tendency to label it as “bad” or “wrong”? Are we naturally threatened by things that are different from us? I’m honestly disgusted by this side of humanity that seems to be the reason behind racism and discrimination in general. Just because you don’t like something doesn’t make it wrong. Just because you don’t understand something doesn’t make it bad.

Can we all just get more comfortable with saying, “I don’t understand that” or maybe just acknowledging that another person’s way of life, though not for us, still deserves respect and honor?

Sometimes in Christian circles it feels like everyone is competing to have the “right” answer. Topics are often looked at as “right or wrong” and “good or bad”. Personally, I believe this is an unproductive way of looking at the world. If everything had a black and white answer that could be looked up research style in the bible, wouldn’t it eliminate the need for prayer and reliance on God? My experience with God involves a lot of not knowing…and being ok with that. A relationship with God does not involve having all the answers…it involves faith and struggle because there is tension between our limited human understanding and God’s way of doing things. Yes, it makes life feel safer when we can label and define. We get to feel like we are in control, like we hold the power to judge and make decisions on other people’s worth. Do you really think that’s what Jesus had in mind for us as followers of him? To spend our lives turned inward analyzing ourselves and others?

This is the same God that created the sunset, ocean, rainforest, mountains, and stars. This is a God of variety. This is a God of color, abundance, and life. You know how I feel when I’m in a room of people heatedly discussing some trivial matter like which version of the bible is the “right” one? I feel bored. That’s the colorless, tasteless, bland life.

Have you ever heard the saying about Jesus being the light? As Christians we are called to be the light. Do you know that visible light is made up of different colors? When light passes through a lens or prism it is dispersed in to different colors of the rainbow. Doesn’t it make sense that when Jesus shines his light through us, being that we are all different, we would each shine him in a slightly different shade?

I think that we need to be more aware of the beauty in every different shade of Jesus around us. I don’t think Jesus wanted us to focus so much on “right and wrong” because what he really stressed was love. He said a whole, whole lot about love. Somehow, we tend to overlook that in our quest to be right. If Jesus calls us to live together in unity, but also made us each different, he knows that we are going to have to “agree to disagree” on some things for the sake of unity. Let’s not make our goal as Christians to be who can “get it right” but maybe to be who can love, give, respect, honor, and forgive. Just like the colors of the rainbow, we can all be different and still uniquely beautiful.

One way to line your attitudes and motives up with Christ is with the biblical description of love from 1 Corinthians 13. Ask yourself, “Are my thoughts/words/actions:

Patient?

Kind?

Humble?

From a place of contentment?

Forgiving?

Truthful?

Genuinely desiring the best for the other person?”

If you can’t honestly answer yes to the above filters…maybe just let go of that for a while and spend a little time admiring the beauty around you! 🙂

Don’t Be a Porcupine

Have you ever had someone make one of the snide remarks towards you that you find yourself thinking about later in the day and replaying all the great comebacks you could have had?

I think we’ve all been there.

Sometimes the person may not have even meant to touch upon a sensitive spot of ours. Other times, lets be honest, some people are just mean and really do want to put you down.

Either way, our immediate response to threat, like any animal, is to put up a quick defense. I think of a porcupine because that’s what I feel like when I’m threatened. When I hear that someone has made a comment about me that I feel is offensive or someone critiques me in a not-so-loving way…my first reaction is to pull out the quills and get ready to defend myself.

This is understandable of course, who really likes their vulnerable places to be carelessly critiqued by seemingly heartless bystanders? But that’s just the thing…many times these comments are not spoken out of love or by someone who truly knows and appreciates us.

So…why allow someone who isn’t committed to doing life with us or to growing together in a positive way, affect us? We shouldn’t! We definitely shouldn’t let people have the power to bring out the porcupine in us! It’s not pretty and it’s not our best representation of Christ. So instead of pulling out the quills…there is something so much more effective we can do in these moments that will turn a negative irritation in to a positive opportunity for spiritual growth.

1. Perspective Change: As with most negative emotions, we have to start by realizing that it needs to be addressed with the Lord before it spews and releases more negativity. One of the main reasons we are hurt by other’s opinions is because we have placed the importance of people’s approval above the importance of God’s approval and because we are not completely secure in the area that has been attacked. We shouldn’t view the person who hurt us as an enemy to be fought but should take a step back and refuse to give them power over us that they did not earn and do not deserve.

2. Reflect: There is a reason they say, “the truth hurts”. If what the person says bothers you that much, it reflects that a part of you believes what they said. Think about it, if you truly thought it was complete nonsense, you wouldn’t have taken it to heart so much. Try to identify the part of you that was threatened by the comment or what it is that you feel insecure about in your identity.

3. Take it to the Lord: You can learn so much about yourself by paying attention to what things upset you. This helps uncover areas that you may not have fully surrendered or even old wounds that haven’t been healed. You can take these issues to the Lord and allow Him to use the things you are offended by to aide in your healing and personal growth. Go to his word for his truth about how he feels about you. His reality is the only reality that deserves to be validated in your life and thoughts.

4. Pray for the offender: I can’t tell you how much this helps calm me down when I’m about to spray my quills over a porcupine moment. People are people and as I always remind myself, positive, happy, healthy, people are not going to cut you down purposely. Yes, there are people out there who like to cut others down to make themselves feel bigger but guess what, you don’t want to be like them anyways, and you certainly do not need their approval. So pray and call it a day. You know the Lord loves you and approves of you, flaws and all. He loves a sincere, humble, and forgiving heart so let that be reason enough to never ever let a mean person turn you in to a porcupine!

When Friends Offend: Navigating Conflict and Moving On

I think it’s safe to assume that none of us enjoy conflict. Conflict is just…uncomfortable. It has the ability to bring a relationship closer together if you are both willing to listen and work at it. Unfortunately, and probably most often, it can cause relationships to become weak or even end completely. So what do you do when you have had a falling out with a friend? What do you do when you have openly and honestly shared your heart and the person is unresponsive or does not validate your opinion? What do you do when someone has hurt you (maybe multiple times) and does not seem capable or willing to change their behavior?

This is the hardest thing for me with friendships because I tend to value the people in my life above all else. In the past several months I have asked several of the women I look up to about their past friendships and have discovered something shocking, we have ALL lost friends that we at one time considered near and dear to our hearts. I was so surprised that some of the most beautiful hearts I know have been broken over friendships ending. I am comforted to know that I am not alone and want to share some of the ways I have found to deal with friendship conflicts in a healthy and Godly way:

1. Review the situation: Is this situation occurring because you are being taught something about others or about yourself? Be honest. Did you say or do something offensive? If yes, it’s time to suck it up with an apology. (God can help you get your heart in the right place of humility by spending a little time with him first. The worst thing is an insincere apology…it will only make matters worse).
2. Put it in perspective: “But now, O LORD, you are our Father; we are the clay, and you are our potter; we are all the work of your hand.” – Isaiah 64:8 The person who hurt you is clay…a work in the Lord’s hands, just like you. We can not expect people to be perfect and we can usually expect them to grow and change in time. However, only you can choose what is and is not acceptable in your life and sometimes that means loving yourself enough to know who should not be influencing you. If someone makes you feel bad about yourself or disrespects you repeatedly, it might be time to move on. It is important to spend time in prayer to ask the Lord for discernment since every situation is different. He may tell you to “forgive and forget” or he very well may tell you to “forgive and remember”. Being a Christian means being kind…that does not mean you have to be a “doormat” or a “yes person”. Honesty, respect, and consideration are not too much to ask for.
3. Remember Who and Whose you are: So, maybe you’ve decided to distance yourself from someone for a while? What about those yucky feelings you get when you see that they are spending time with all your mutual friends? First of all, stop judging yourself, we can not help the natural human feelings we have of hurt when someone has hurt us but continues to be well received by those around us. Secondly, understand, it is NOT your place to “enlighten” anyone about the person’s character. There is NO EXCUSE for gossip. Remember you are a daughter of God. He bought you with a price and He desires that your heart stay pure even while enduring trials. Again, this takes prayer because God doesn’t call us to be fake. He doesn’t want us to put on plastic smiles and pretend everything is perfect…because that would be lying. He is the truth and He calls us to be the light. He calls us to spend the necessary time being honest with him about our emotions so that he can transform our hearts and remind us He is in control. Remember this, God loves you and He also loves the person who offended you. You can never fight darkness with darkness so when you see the person who has hurt you, treat them with respect (doesn’t mean acting like their best friend). When someone else brings them up in conversation speak either positively or keep silent.
4. Keep Being You: Move on. Keep doing the things that inspire you. Keep listening to your favorite music. Keep meeting new people in random places. Be spontaneous and make new memories. The point is…sometimes we have to leave people behind in order to truly respect ourselves and yes, it hurts for a little while but, LIFE.GOES.ON.

Girls: The Truth About Pretty

“Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised” -Proverbs 31:30

What’s the big deal about pretty? I get it, the first thing you notice about someone is their appearance. So for first impressions, I understand why people are so concerned with how they look. We all want to present the best version of ourselves. But the desire to be “pretty” goes so much farther than just desiring to make a good first impression. Girls are obsessed with it. Guys won’t stop talking about it.

Why does it seem like the most important criteria we use for judging people is based on their appearances?

If we think about this for a minute, it makes absolutely no sense. We tend to judge others and ourselves based on something that is not only temporary, but holds almost no weight in terms of being actually valuable. Yes, it’s nice to look at something that is attractive but…isn’t the ability to lend a helping hand, give wise advice, or offer a listening ear, more valuable?

Somehow girls get in this cycle of striving to attain perfection (which doesn’t exist) and it sucks the life right out of us. I’ve been stuck in the cycle before. The more you strive to look a certain way, the more you compare yourself to others, look through magazines, spend time obsessing over size and little details; it sucks the very life and joy right out of you. It’s not worth it.

When I went to Army Basic Training, as challenging as it was, I felt more empowered and more myself than ever before. I had my hair in a tight bun, wearing a men’s uniform, with no make-up on, but I was more confident. I was forced to be the most real and raw version of myself and I felt free.

Girls, I think it’s time we stop pressuring ourselves over our outward appearances. I’ll let you in on a little secret: how you look only matters as much as you allow it to.

When I was focused on my appearances, I was focused on what guys had to say about me. I was seeking validation and feeding my insecurities by surrounding myself with other people who were obsessed with appearances too. The crazy thing is, no amount of compliments or affirmation was ever enough because I was my own harshest critic. I realized that the people I was turning to for validation, although pretty on the outside, were not people that had many inner qualities I admired. Now, I surround myself with people who look at the heart as a way of appreciating others and seek to build up positives instead of point out negatives.

You know what pretty really is? Pretty is being there for the people in your life when times get tough. Pretty is looking to give instead of to take. Pretty is being more aware of others than of yourself. Pretty is realizing you don’t have to look any certain way to be valuable because you know that you already are.

Challenge: This week, every time you find yourself making an “appearance based” judgment about yourself or another person, point out a positive character quality instead.

 

Yes, You.

“For we are God’s [own] handiwork (His workmanship), recreated in Christ Jesus, [born anew] that we may do those good works which God predestined (planned beforehand) for us [taking paths which He prepared ahead of time], that we should walk in them [living the good life which He prearranged and made ready for us to live.] – Ephesians 2:10 (AMP)

Do you live as though this verse is true? I have found lately, that I have trouble living out this truth in my own life. I can encourage those around me and tell them what the bible has to say about how unique and special they are, but when it comes to actually living it out myself…well…it’s hard. It’s hard to convince your heart that you are God’s workmanship and precious to him. Why? Maybe because we have been told by society that our worth is caught up in our outward appearance, education, career, success…the list goes on and on. God doesn’t look at any of that stuff though, He is concerned with the heart. He created you (yes, you), for a purpose. The truth is, he has a job that only you can do on this earth…because you are the only you. So why do we have a tendency to resist the call? Why does it seem like most of us have trouble getting comfortable in our own unique skin? Could it be because we are believing the lies of the enemy? I believe this to be true. All the thoughts that swarm around in my head and cause me to not reach out, not post another blog, not share my testimony, not share my faith, not step out and be bold…all those thoughts are lies there to keep you and me from reaching our potential.

You know that path God planned for you? It’s not just about you. Did you ever think about the other people on that path? The path is narrow…don’t you think it’s a little hard, maybe even scary to walk that path alone? That’s why it’s so important to trust God and trust his ways. Other people need you, to see you on that same path that they are traveling, maybe feeling lonely, maybe feeling like giving up. What if the plans God has for you are about so much more than just your own happiness? The plans God has for you affect other people and when you don’t stand up and say yes, someone else misses a blessing. You are someone’s blessing…if you choose it. So choose it. Say yes to that little voice whispering in your heart. Say yes to that thing you’ve always been passionate about. Say yes to Jesus. The good life is waiting for you. (Yes, you!)

Is Romantic Love Your God?

“No love of the natural heart is safe unless the human heart has been satisfied by God first” – Oswald Chambers

Love: The topic of so many blogs, articles, movies, TV Shows, books, and conversations. I think it’s safe to say our culture is obsessed with the idea of romantic love. I think we can even take it a step farther and say that for the most part, people desire to be the object of romantic love. We desire to be wanted, protected, cherished, trusted, and respected. This is what we were created for, after all. Relationships, with each other and with God. The thing is, our culture has made an idol of romantic love. We literally put romantic love in the place of God. An idol is something that our life centers around. It is something that you unquestionably make sacrifices for, with your time and money. How many people spend countless hours either searching for Mr./Miss Right or trying to become desirable for them? How many people quickly dismiss the standards that God has laid out for us in the bible in order to keep or get what they want out of a relationship? In my opinion, this is not love. Our culture has distorted what love really is.

“Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” – 1 Corinthians 13:6-7

What happens when we are not first satisfied through the love of God? We are searching for something to satisfy. Is that what romantic love is supposed to be for us? Is it supposed to be getting validation from another human? Is it reaching a point of total fulfillment and safety within another person? Most of us subconsciously believe this. “Well, as soon as I meet the one, my life will be complete.” This is such a dangerous and damaging misconception. Imagine the pressure that is put on a relationship when two incomplete people are looking for completion in one another? Neither of them had enough to begin with and now they are draining each other trying to feel secure.

Love starts with God. Love starts with understanding you already have everything you will ever need. You don’t need another person to complete you. You don’t need a nicer car, better paying job, bigger house, just to prove that you have worth. These things are all great, they bring happiness when they are seen as blessings…but if you make them “god” or “your center focus”, be prepared for the let down.  So how can we make sure not to let romantic love become an idol?

Here are some realizations that I have found to be helpful:

1. Realize that the packaged form of love we see in movies is not real

If you’re like me this is initially a hard pill to swallow, until you realize that there is something better if you are brave enough to wait for it. I firmly believe that God takes a personal interest in match making when we finally surrender and let him lead. We just have to realize that the person will be human. They aren’t going to be perfect or the thing that completes us. The point is not to worship each other but to serve God together. Instead of Prince Charming, I am looking for a team mate. I’m looking for someone on God’s team that will put God first, even before me. I realize he will make mistakes and it won’t always be a butterflies feeling kind of love. Real love is a choice and it is empowered by putting God first.

2. When you are satisfied and filled by God’s love, you can give love

When you believe in your heart that God is good, he is on your side, and he is FOR you, it changes the way you live. You don’t have to worry…about anything. Doesn’t that just take so much pressure off of relationships? Suddenly, people can just be people. It is ok that they forgot your birthday or gossiped about you because you already know that humans make mistakes, and God’s got your back so you don’t need people’s approval. Suddenly, you can be fine when that cute guy tells you he likes you and then asks out your best friend. It’s all good…because God’s got it. Whew. God’s best relationship for you is not going to involve manipulation, striving, acting, discomfort, hidden secrets, insecurity, or regret. 

Despite the many people who have been hurt, disappointed, and discouraged by false versions of “love”, love is real. It is messy. It is challenging. It involves unlimited forgiveness. It involves sacrifice. Most of all, and if nothing else, it involves God. Trust him. Don’t settle. Don’t stop seeking Him first. Everything else will take care of itself.

Relationships Part 2: Happily Ever After Is Now

In my last post about relationships I talked about how it is important to protect your heart. People are not always who they seem and not everyone is at a healthy point in their life. Your life and your heart are yours to guard and you can’t expect anyone else to do that for you. Now, with that being said, I personally feel like if you choose to date you should also take some accountability for the other person’s heart and feelings. This means making sure that you are not the one who is searching for something to fill a void in your life or to “fix” you. It isn’t fair to look to someone else for your happiness or expect them to make you feel complete. The healthiest relationships are between two people who are individually complete and come together to make a powerful team. Dating starts with how you view yourself. You attract people who reflect to you how you feel about yourself. Like it or not, you set the standard for what is considered acceptable.

If you are currently hyper-focused on meeting the man/woman of your dreams, I have some life-changing news for you: Happily Ever After is Now.

Yes, that’s right. Your life is happening right now. It already started. You are living in precious moments that you will never ever get back. It is time to start loving the life you live! You know how I like lists so I am going to share some ways that I have found to love your life and feel full so that you won’t be tempted to settle for less than the best.

Invest in what you have: It’s easy to get stuck in that rut of dwelling on what you don’t have but no matter what your situation, you have a lot and you might not even realize it. Could you invest more time in your family? Could you spend time making sure your current friends know how appreciated they are? Instead of texting that new “potential” while you are at coffee with a coworker, actually take the time to listen and ask questions. Give your undivided attention to what is already in front of you. Instead of spending time thinking about and searching for romance you can be taking what you already have and making it that much better because like I said, you will never get this moment back…might as well make it amazing!

Give love: There are other kinds of love than just romantic love. Do you feel lonely? Do something about it. Volunteer, get involved, or find a way to brighten someone’s day. Sometimes just being there is all it takes. Do you have a friend who is stressing about her job? Take her some chocolate, spend the afternoon together, live life with the people who are already in your life. Seriously, doing things for others is energizing.

Say Yes: Now is the time to try new things. Life is about learning and we learn through experiences so go out there and experience as much as you possibly can! Don’t worry about making mistakes or what others think of you, just say yes, and see what happens.

Expect the best: There is literally no point in thinking negative thoughts. Will it change the outcome? Definitely not for the better. Why not just assume that things will go your way and confidently pursue your goals? Change the negative thoughts in your head to positive and be supportive of yourself and others.

When you finally start living life in the moment and focusing on what you do have instead of what you don’t have, amazing things will start to happen. You will find out more about yourself. You will naturally value yourself and your time more which will mean you have to be choosier of who you will date. You will realize that you don’t need another person to complete you. Some people think the worst case scenario is never meeting “the one”. Personally, I think the worst case scenario is ending up with the wrong one. Just remember: If it is God’s plan for you, there is nothing you can do to mess up. Here’s to living life to the fullest with what you have right now and letting go of the pressure to settle!